20 Things About Living on Earth

Former Martians like me don't really have a propensity for sharing things about themselves, unlike Earthlings, who unburden themselves at the drop of a hat. But, as I've said before (and will probably say again as time goes by), living as an Earthling the second time around is an addictive experience. And the biggest Earthling addiction of all is giving your opinion, whether it's asked for or not. Therefore, I humbly offer up for your consideration twenty things about living on Earth. Ten things I don't like about it and ten things I do like about it. After all, no planet is or ever was or ever will be a Paradise. Not even Mars.

10 things I don't like about living on Earth

1. Having to do certain things at a certain time

2. The fact that a lot of people don't have enough food

3. Junk mail, spam and those annoying phone call surveys that pretend not to be telemarketing calls

4. Being around people who say "Ta-da!" when they enter a room

5. Receiving an unplanned laxative whenever the Emergency Broadcast System interrupts a wee-hour show with that nasty, loud buzzer that might just as well be a Klaxon horn at that ungodly hour and, 5b, The fact that someone, somewhere in history invented the Klaxon horn

6. Drive-Thrus. They hog all the service while the rest of us stand in line and wait and wait and wait...

7. Carnivorous animals that roam the planet, many of them "dogs at large" in residential areas of Appalachia

8. Watching NASA pretend to explore space

9. Waiters and waitresses who think they own you

10. Seeing way too many road signs where you don't need them and none where you do

10 things I do like about living on Earth

1. Having enough to eat whether I deserve it or not

2. Animals that sing in the morning

3. People who are quiet most of the day

4. Carnival food

5. Skyscrapers (they can't build them too high for me)

6. Hawaii, Tahiti, Bora Bora and other places resembling my idea of Paradise

7. Little kids who smile at you when you walk past them

8. Old people who need and enjoy your company

9. Nations that watch over and protect other nations

10. Seeing a Harvest Moon just when you'd forgotten all about them

It’s All in the Wrist

Living on Earth certainly has its pros and cons. One of the “thumbs up” is eating pizza. Whoever invented pizza should have gone straight to heaven. But, since there is no heaven, that person will just have to settle for another planet with better weather.

One of the “thumbs down” about living on Earth is that Earthlings have a tendency to say the stupidest things, things that are backwards from what they really mean to say. For example, a lot of people will tell you that they “could care less” about something when, in fact, they should be saying that they “couldn’t care less” about it. That means that they care so little about it that they couldn’t possibly care any less about it. Knowing that, they will still say it the wrong way.

And that brings me to another “thumbs down” about Earth. Even when they’re wrong and they know they’re wrong, Earthlings don’t care. Right or wrong means very little to them. And, even as a little boy in Appalachia, that struck me as pretty damn strange.

And yet, I can always think of more “thumbs up” reasons for liking life on Earth. One of them is drinking beer. Whoever invented beer will certainly never go to hell. Wherever that is.