The real Little Green Man from Mars is alive and well and living in Appalachia.

The Truth Is a Lone Assassin by Jonco Bugos

Friday, February 4, 2011

Morning Lines

You can pretty much gauge the quality of your life by the first words you utter when you wake up in the morning. No, this is by no means a scientific rule of thumb to go by. But if you ever catch yourself uttering words or sentences like these first thing in the morning, well, maybe your life isn't on some kind of down slope but there might be big trouble ahead.

What's the cure? Beats me. If I knew that I wouldn't be online writing a pathetic post like this one. I'd be knee-deep in pizza and beer and halfway through the Dirty Harry series for the umpteenth time. OK, here we go. Here are a dozen morning lines to watch out for.

Here are six morning lines to watch out for when you're just waking up and your eyes are still closed. If you utter this kind of stuff before your eyes are even open, the rest of your day may very well be downhill.


"No problem."

"Yeah, be right there."

"It wasn't my fault."

"And don't you forget it."

"You bastards!"

Here are another six warning lines to watch out for. These often blurt out when you're just waking up and your eyes are wide open. And you have no interest in getting up:


"And there he goes again!"

"...and that's what I have to worry about."

"It figures."


"I just know I left the garage door open last night."

But, wait, no need to cash in the chips already. So what if you had a nightmare and you're still talking it out when morning rolls around? So what if you wake up and don't want to get out of bed or do a damn thing all day long? Big deal. It happens to the best of us. In fact, I've even come up with a short list of morning lines that are temporary antidotes for the disease that causes morning-line sickness. There's probably no cure for misery except health and happiness but even they've been known to be upstaged periodically by paranoia and restlessness. So, here are six lines that might not cure what ails you but they're almost guaranteed to put the kibosh on any negative morning utterances before they have the chance to cross your lips:

"Two eggs over easy and keep the coffee coming."

"My farts don't stink so that must be somebody else's."

"You're welcome, babe. My pleasure."

"Jeeves! Warm up the Bentley!"

"Feels like Saturday to me."

"Author! Author!"

See what I mean? You're damn right. I feel better already.

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