Saturday, November 7, 2009

Running Hot and Cold

As a former Martian with a dwindling memory of a previous life on Mars (the planet Mars before Nibiru sucked our seas dry and left us with a cold, red desert instead) I still find it hard to adjust to living in one of the temperate zones on planet Earth. Temperate. According to the dictionary, that means "not extreme or excessive". Apparently, Daniel Webster never spent much time in Pennsylvania's Allegheny Plateau Region.

These are the highlands between Pittsburgh, Erie and Scranton. Here, temperate means "hotter than the hub of hell" in the summertime and "colder than a witch's you-know-what" the rest of the year. Except, of course, for three or four days of actual, dictionary "temperate" climate conditions. These anomalies usually occur in June or October when you can actually walk around without six layers of protective clothing on or without the fear of heat stroke, despite the cargo shorts and T-shirt.

The rest of the time you're either hot or cold and there's not much you can do about it except get cozy on the couch, drink coffee, eat pastries and watch TV when it's cold or sit in front of a fan with a cold beer and do nothing at all when it's hot. I'm always reminded that I'm on Earth and not on Mars every time I do either of these two things. Why is that, you might ask?

Well, on Mars, doing the logical thing was almost always expected and even encouraged. But, on Earth, keeping warm and cooling off somehow tells everybody that you're not willing to freeze or roast to death like everybody else and that, somehow, unimaginably, constitutes laziness. At least they understand part of the concept in Mexico. But look where it's gotten them.

Monday, October 12, 2009

"Tapper"


Sci-Fi-Fo-Fum, the video-making alter ego of science fiction author Michael Casher, presents a typical Appalachian Baby Boomer who claims to have been abducted by aliens in the 1950s and 60s. Maybe he's lying and maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe nobody cares, too.


video

Friday, September 4, 2009

Major American National Holidays Through a Former Martian's Eyes

New Years' Day -- American men celebrate the new year by overeating snack food and watching football on TV while American women who don't care for football try to figure out how to disguise the leftover pork and sauerkraut so it looks like football couch potato snack food.

Memorial Day -- Having gone without a major, traditional national holiday for nearly five months and chomping at the bit because of this, Americans honor their fallen servicemen and servicewomen with twenty-one-gun salutes and then barbecue meat in their back yards.

Fourth of July -- Americans celebrate their independence from England by barbecuing meat in their back yards and then exploding bombs and setting off rockets after they overeat at carnivals and get sick on torture devices that masquerade as amusement rides.

Labor Day -- Americans celebrate labor and laborers by not working and then barbecuing meat in their back yards.

Veteran's Day -- Americans once again honor their fallen servicemen and servicewomen with twenty-one-gun salutes and then drive to patriotic clubs where they play cards, drink beer, talk sports and fight.

Thanksgiving -- Americans give thanks for their food by watching parades on TV, overeating turkey with all the trimmings and then watching football on TV.

Christmas -- Christian Americans celebrate the birth of the son of God by giving each other presents that no one needs, watching parades on TV and then overeating ham and poultry with all the trimmings .

New Year's Eve -- Americans who can't wait until the actual New Year's Day eat pork and sauerkraut at home and then get drunk and wear lampshades on their heads at parties while watching drunks in Times Square push and shove each other while waiting for the next available portable toilet.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

20 Things About Living on Earth

Former Martians like me don't really have a propensity for sharing things about themselves, unlike Earthlings who unburden themselves at the drop of a hat. But, as I've said before (and will probably say again as time goes by), living as an Earthling the second time around is an addictive experience. And the biggest Earthling addiction of all is giving your opinion, whether it's asked for or not. Therefore, I humbly offer up for your perusal twenty things about living on Earth. Ten things I don't like about it and ten things I do like about it. After all, no planet is or ever was or ever will be a Paradise. Not even Mars.

10 things I don't like about living on Earth

1. Having to do certain things at a certain time
2. The fact that a lot of people don't have enough food
3. Junk mail, spam and those annoying phone call surveys that pretend not to be telemarketing calls
4. Being around people who say "Ta-da!" when they enter a room
5. Receiving an unplanned laxative whenever the Emergency Broadcast System interrupts a wee-hour show with that nasty, loud buzzer that might just as well be a Klaxon horn at that ungodly hour
5. The fact that someone, somewhere in history invented the Klaxon horn
6. Drive-Thrus. They hog all the service while the rest of us stand in line and wait and wait and wait...
7. Carnivorous animals that roam the planet, many of them "dogs at large" in residential areas of Appalachia
8. Watching NASA pretend to explore space
9. Waiters and waitresses who think they own you
10. Seeing way too many road signs where you don't need them and none where you do

10 things I do like about living on Earth

1. Having enough to eat whether I deserve it or not
2. Animals that sing in the morning
3. People who are quiet most of the day
4. Carnival food
5. Skyscrapers (they can't build them too high for me)
6. Hawaii, Tahiti, Bora Bora and other places resembling my idea of Paradise
7. Little kids who smile at you when you walk by them
8. Old people who need and enjoy your company
9. Nations that watch over and protect other nations
10. Seeing a Harvest Moon just when you'd forgotten all about them

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Secret Scribes

Being a former Martian with an intact but dwindling memory of that previous life on Mars is the reason I look at things a little differently than regular Earth people who began life's big journey on Earth. For example, if I asked the average man or woman from just about anywhere on this big blue marble if they thought writing on anything but paper was weird they'd probably look at me as if I was the proverbial "little green man from Mars". Or else they'd just walk away and go write something about me on a wall somewhere. Something I'd never do, being the former Martian that I am.

You can probably guess where this blog post is going. Yep. I'm still not used to the fact that a lot of Earthlings -- and nearly all American Earthlings -- love to write on walls and on just about every other forbidden surface, for that matter. I find that rather curious since no one seems to want to write on paper anymore, which is what paper was invented for. OK, there was sand and clay before the Egyptians invented papyrus and before somebody in Greece turned that into paper, but the real history of writing took place on paper. Not on bathroom walls, sidewalks and cafeteria table tops.

So, I still ask myself, why do people who have no interest in putting a pen or a pencil to paper anymore pull them out to write on surfaces that they're not supposed to write on? I mean, sometimes Earthlings will even resort to carving their initials or even graphic messages or symbols onto a wooden surface in a state park or playground with a knife. Instead of writing it on paper. But I think I've answered my own question here. It's not so much the desire to spontaneously express themselves through writing as it is to give in to the unavoidable urge to do something forbidden. And to leave their mark on a world that forbids writing on anything but paper.

Earthlings even gave that kind of forbidden writing a name. Graffiti. And then, to top it off, the Earthlings who wrote most of the graffiti began using cans of spray paint instead of pens and pencils and crayons and Magic Markers to write their messages with. And to mark their territory with. In fact, they wrote so much graffiti that large portions of American cities like New York, Chicago and Los Angeles are virtually covered in forbidden writing and graphic symbols, some of them grotesque images of private body parts. The people who don't write on walls and bridges and subway trains finally realized that they couldn't stop the people who do so they just gave the graffiti another name. Graffiti Art.

And now that most of the world writes on CRT and LCD and liquid plasma screens, you'd think that the urge to write on bathroom and subway walls, sidewalks, the inside of city buses and just about anywhere else that is forbidden territory would have lost its appeal. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I guess Earthlings were just born to mark their territory wherever they go. Except me, of course. I was born first on Mars, where there was no territory. And I guess that's what made me so indifferent about writing on public surfaces and so keen on writing where people are supposed to write.

Still, every now and then I find myself fighting the urge to put a piece of coal in my pocket and roam the downtown and residential areas of strange towns looking for a fresh, unmarked section of concrete sidewalk. Which goes to show you that living on Earth is an addictive experience that might take many lifetimes to overcome.