New Year's Day — American men celebrate the new year by overeating snack food and watching football on TV while the few American women who don't care for football try to figure out how to disguise the leftover pork and sauerkraut so it looks like football couch potato snack food.
Memorial Day — Having gone without a major national holiday for nearly five months and chomping at the bit because of this, Americans honor their fallen servicemen and servicewomen with twenty-one-gun salutes and then barbecue meat in their back yards.
Fourth of July — Americans celebrate their independence from England by barbecuing meat in their back yards and then exploding bombs and setting off rockets after they overeat at carnivals and get sick on torture devices that masquerade as amusement rides.
Labor Day — Americans celebrate labor and laborers by not working and then barbecuing meat in their back yards.
Veterans Day — Americans once again honor their fallen servicemen and servicewomen with twenty-one-gun salutes and then drive to patriotic clubs where they play cards, throw darts, drink beer, talk sports and fight.
Thanksgiving — Americans give thanks for their food by watching parades on TV, overeating turkey with all the trimmings and then watching football on TV.
Christmas — Christian Americans celebrate the birth of the son of God by giving each other presents that no one needs, watching parades on TV and then overeating ham and poultry with all the trimmings .
New Year's Eve — Americans who can't wait until the actual New Year's Day eat pork and sauerkraut at home and then get drunk and wear lampshades on their heads at parties while watching TV where drunks in Times Square push and shove each other while waiting for the next available portable toilet.