The real Little Green Man from Mars is alive and well and living in Appalachia.

The Truth Is a Lone Assassin by Jonco Bugos

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Easy New Years Resolutions

I often wondered why Earthlings liked to make New Years resolutions when they rarely stuck to them. It reminds me of when I was a boy and a practicing Roman Catholic and we were pressed to give up something for Lent, like candy or soda pop or swearing. Nobody could give up those things, so why did we pretend that we could?

American grownups were the only role models I had for making New Years resolutions and they didn't help me much as a kid. Men would often pretend to give up drinking as a New Years resolution, which meant not drinking whiskey and beer, and sometimes they'd say they were going to quit smoking. Of course, I never knew any grown up man who made good on promises like these. They were just as unrealistic as a teenager giving up potato chips for Lent. Get real.

Now that I'm a grown up man myself and well past my prime, I've gotten hip to the secret behind New Years resolutions. Not being Catholic anymore, I won't have to worry about Lent later this winter. But, if I did, the same secret would work for that as well. And here it is: simply vow to do something you'd naturally and easily do anyway or, if it involves not doing, then simply vow to not do something you would not do anyway.

I made a list of 10 Easy New Years Resolutions that will definitely work for me and maybe some of them will work for you as well.

1. Start balancing your checkbook
2. Start holding the door open for others, especially women and children.
3. Start coming to a complete stop at Stop signs.
4. Start treating others the way you'd like them to treat you.
5. Start wrapping your used gum in its own foil instead of spitting it out in the parking lot.
6. Stop saying "vis á vis".
7. Stop using the "f" word in every single sentence.
8. Stop tailgating the poor bastard in front of you because he obeys the speed limit and you don't.
9. Stop getting drunk and running naked through the back yard.
10. Stop getting drunk and running naked through the front yard.

Why make the new year hard on yourself if you don't have to?