The real Little Green Man from Mars is alive and well and living in Appalachia.

The Truth Is a Lone Assassin by Jonco Bugos

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Hell You Say

I know I overplay the excuse that being a Martian in my past life is why I never really fit in, here, on planet Earth. But it's the only reason I can come up with for being clueless most of the time. On Earth, having no clue almost always means that you can't be trusted with important decisions or with money but it often means that you're the sucker everyone's gunning for. On Mars, where there was only one meaning for everything, including deception, being clueless meant you were a government employee. I miss the simple life.

Once again, I've gotten off the track. Being a former Martian among billions of Earthlings never gets any easier. And trying to explain to Earthlings how their Earthling ways are often illogical is like being a Vulcan in the middle of a food fight. Who's going to listen to logic when you're having fun flinging Jello across a crowded room?

Still, after nearly six decades of living on a planet that's spinning out of control because no one knows that it's spinning out of control, I've noticed that a lot of people on this planet don't say what they mean when they talk to other people. A lot of them don't mean what they say, either, but that's a horse of a different color. Here are a dozen examples of Earthlings not saying what they really mean:

1. Common saying: "That's a horse of a different color."
True meaning: "You have no clue about what I just said."

2. Common saying: "Hey, that looks good."
True meaning: "Can I have some of that?"

3. Common saying: "No, I'm fine."
True meaning: "If I don't need a drink how come you do?"

4. Common saying: "Don't go there."
True meaning: "Shut the hell up."

5. Common saying: "I could care less."
True meaning: "I couldn't care less."

6. Common saying: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
True meaning: "Shut up and eat. It's free."

7. Common saying: "You're lookin' good."
True meaning: a. "You look like hell but I feel like being nice to you." b. "It's about time you cleaned yourself up." c. "You look better than I do. I want you dead."

8. Common saying: "Hey, baby!"
True meaning: a. "I hope you're not an undercover cop." b. "How much?" c. "Get in the car."

9. Common saying: "I can't believe it!"
True meaning: "I believe it. I just don't like it."

10. Common saying: "You gotta love her."
True meaning: "Why does she do that?"

11. Common saying: "Don't give me that."
True meaning: "You're absolutely right and that pisses me off."

12. Common saying: "Not right now, thanks."
True meaning: a. "Never in a million years." b. "Wow, your timing really sucks." c. "Are you still here?"

So, do I think I'm Mr. Perfect? Am I saying that I never utter one of these deceptive sentences or other sentences like them? Of course not. All I'm saying is this:

13. Common saying: "When in Rome do as the Romans do."
True meaning: "Geronimo!"

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